The Dissatisfaction of Closure

Or, ...okay and?

This is a paywalled essay. To read my stance on paywalls, you can click here.

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At the beginning of the pandemic a longtime friendship of mine was going off the rails. My former friend was very unwell, deeply insecure, and projecting any and all issues onto anyone who allowed themselves to be even minutely in her orbit. On top of that, some of her beliefs about the world were coming to light that I was having an incredibly hard time reconciling. I was losing patience for constantly being on the receiving end of her irrational behavior, I found myself genuinely relieved when lockdown forced us to cancel a desert vacation, and so on and so on and so on. It just clearly was barreling to a Very Bad Place™.

The following months (shockingly) didn’t improve. Finding myself incapable of remaining close to her given, well, everything, I intentionally distanced myself. That subsequent distance made her even angrier and more reactive, and it eventually reached a point of no return when it became clear that she was resorting to lying and warping situations in order to try and force people to choose sides. For her and me it ended via a very curt message, but the culmination within our larger circle was much more dramatic with digital slander involving multiple parties, even *more* lying (also shocking), and an eventual decision involving said multiple parties that she’d probably compare to an excommunication of sorts.

To this day we’ve never had an actual conversation about it. There was no closure, no Red Table Talk, no cauterization of the metaphorical wound, no eye for an eye, no “I’ll hear you out if you hear me out” so and so.

Someone else involved in what went down asked me once if there was anything that could be done to make me feel at least cordial with her again. I considered it. But I ultimately came to the realization that I didn’t believe it was possible because for me closure would have to be based in her owning so many things she lied about for so many years. And I honestly think she lied about those things so vehemently and while so unwell that she probably believes the lies to her core to be true. So where would that leave us?

In what universe would closure be possible with all of that taken into consideration?

Every time my therapist brings up any notion of closure I grit my teeth. Because what does it even mean?

Does it mean having someone admit they were wrong, even when you always knew so to begin with? Does it mean getting to say your piece, even when you’re not confident the other person is even really listening? Does it mean being validated, and if so by whom? Does it mean simply hearing the words, “I’m sorry” and…does that really even fix anything or is it more for the person apologizing? Does it mean finding out the answers to questions you have that would otherwise go unanswered?

And let’s say you do receive any of the above, will that satiate anything anyway?