Just (Another) New Year Thing(s)
Or, it's okay to just be.
Nothing emphasizes how much of a highlight reel our social medias have become more than the end of a calendar year.
Fancy dinner shot after fancy cocktail shot, intricately wrapped gifts finding their ways fa-la-la-laing across our feeds, and the borderline (as of the last few years) required annual photo dump force feeds us everything everyone must rave about loudly and excessively about the previous 360 some odd days. If you can sense a little bit of sourness coming from me, youāre not wrong and more on that in literally two seconds. But I do feel inclined to state for the court that through my bitterness (for the most part) I really donāt hate seeing these little personal pedestal moments. I want to celebrate with people. I want to see what youād consider your highlights. I want to heart it and comment and beam at what youāve loved so much. I do! I really do! I promise!!
Itās just been a year and some change for me where Iāve struggled to find those moments within my own vicinity. Where I, frankly, donāt feel like thereās a lot to highlight. I could pull out various annotations from therapy or show the growing number of screenshots taking up space in my phone and make a carousel of that (iykyk. š), but to show off the good from the last year feels hard. At least for me.
Not to say there wasnāt any: I have friends who have made me laugh so hard I thought I might vomit and Iāve walked through the tides of the Pacific more times in the last 12 months than I have fingers to count. I perfected a chocolate chip cookie recipe I can make with my eyes closed and sipped on copious amounts of rosĆ© and gin and spaghetts (my new favorite cocktail) in very, very fine company. I have written and I have read and I got to see the Stanley hotel in real life. There is so much good, even if sometimes I get scared that there is no more of it left to find.
Be it the age of social media and jealousy and the hamster wheel of āLook how hard Iām thriving!!!!!!!!ā we all get caught on from time to time, I (like Iām sure most people) have felt compelled to reflect and show offā¦at least *something* from the year.
But what? Iām not exactly sure.
Like I said this year has been weird. Filled with picking up pieces I didnāt know I dropped and scotch taping myself back together again and again and again. It was filled with some professional highs I didnāt know I even aspired to and blossoming a friendship I knew was special but had truly no idea how special. But then it was also filled with being hurt by the people who theoretically should care about me the most in the world and culminated in the biggest health scare Iāve probably had as an adult. More on the latter to come, when I have more to say. You know, like starting with an actual diagnosis lol. ANYWAY.
I feel like Iāve ended 2024 and started 2025 with a massive āsorry Iām just getting to thisā inā¦most aspects of my life. I said earlier this week that everything fell through the cracks to a certain extent and I meant it. My routines are in disarray, my sleep schedule has never been worse, and even something like this Substack fell by the wayside because I found myself only wanting to say things when they were perfect and punchy and clever (oh my) and itās hard to feel Perfect and Punchy and Cleverā¢ when you feel like shit. Emotionally, mentally, physically, spiritually and so on and so forth.
So here we are. A week into the new year and I donāt feel like I have sure footing, and I certainly donāt feel like I have enough of it for a highlight reel.
*Authorās Note: Did that stop me from making one? Of course not! We must all feed the Instagram beast.
Where Iāve landed is this: The highlight reel is great, beautiful even. We should absolutely be spotlighting the things we have stumbled upon that become the things weāve loved. We should take pictures of tablescapes that transfix us and the meals that donāt leave our heads for days after the fact. If your nails spark joy, hold your hand up to the light and memorialize them. If the the way the sun hits the trees catches your breath, why not document it for a later date when itās a little grey outside? You should. We all should.
But ultimately? In most cases? The highlight reel is at least a liiiittle bit of bullshit.
Because I think life is less about the high highs and more about the consistent consistents, to put it oh-so eloquently.
Which is why these days Iām focused less on the hamster wheel and more on (continuing to try) finding my sea legs. Instead of needing to show off, Iām leaning more towards what feels good and safe. Instead of the highs, Iām more interested in the constants.
Maybe instead of the highlight reel we all need to just be.
Iāve given up on resolutions; Iām bad at them. Iāve been saying Iāll drink more water since 2017 and yet here I today ready to make the insurrection look like a preschool carnival if RFK actually does ban Diet Coke. The only reason Iām even remotely consistent about getting my steps in is because pacing around the kitchen island helps me articulate my thoughts which I do say out loud while making my laps. Iām still kind of addicted to nasal spray (like I said, itās been a weird health moment for me) and I have a personal stash of sour Skittles that Iām not giving up. We all need a little malic acid and corn syrup to make it through whatever continued unprecedented times weāre about to face.
So instead of resolutions, Iām focusing more on the things that feel peaceful. The things that feel like finding a moment of clarity. The things that feel less like fireworks and more like being able to look up at the sky and actually make out the stars. (Which fireworks only enhance, anyway.)
I donāt know exactly what this will look like, but Iām not panicked to find out. Thereās the saying āthe only way out is through,ā and thereās some obvious truth to that. But I think that, additionally, the only way through is by being. Which is all we can really do whether itās worth documenting or not.
So hereās to being in 2025. Itās all we can really do, right?
If youāve made it this far, hi! Thank you for reading my little 1000 words of ennui.
As part of my commitment to š¦¹ ā¼ āļ½”Ėāąøŗbeingš¦¹ ā¼ āļ½”Ėāąøŗ in 2025, Iām going to re-commit to writing here more regularly. This is going to mean:
Bi-weekly regular free posts. This may be a five things, this may be an essay like whatās above, it might be an analysis of Yellowstone and the cosplaying of Americana (stay tuned), or maybe itāll be me bitching about the state of media literacy in 2025. But something will happen here on AT LEAST a bi-weekly free, ready to read basis.
Minimum once a month subscriber only content. Having people pay for my stuff is still a very new to me! And makes me a little uncomfy! Iāve also gottenā¦increasingly more private in my old age which makes me hesitant about putting things out there Iām not fully, 100% certain of. But! I want to challenge myself. I want to curate that space. So at least once a month, even I think whatever that āthingā is is stupid, Iāll put out something to subscribers only. Who knows! Maybe Iāll even put out THAT essay Iāve alluded to for likeā¦seven months. Iykyk. š
Reading lists and recommendations. One of the best things I did for myself at the tail-end of 2023 and throughout 2024 was get back into reading. Doing so truly made me feel like I was puzzling parts of my brain back together. I didnāt quite hit my goal for books for the year (I wanted to reach 40, I read 36) but Iām off to the races so far in 2025 and Iām about to finish my fifth book of the year. I was documenting these on Instagram stories but, surprising literally no one, I have more to say than what will fit on a 9:16 frame for roughly 20 seconds. So instead Iām moving my reading stuff here. Iām excited about it.
More internet musings. There are two promises I can make in this world. One, I will never stop being an insufferable, only child, digital media Virgo. And two, because of such I will never stop thinking about the state of the internet and how it intersects into our lives and soapboxing away about it. So more JIT to come. You have my word.
So thatās where this is at. Thank you for reading. I appreciate it immensely.
Stay tuned I suppose. Happy New Year.