If your wondering what I’m yapping about semi-regularly on social media, you can click right → here. Blah blah blah. Hot take hot take hot take. Ty as always for reading.
Being “there for you” is not an infinite resource.
A few months ago my dear friend Lacey gave me a 3+ hour full astrological chart reading and it kind of changed my life. (Yes, this is also a plug to DM her and have her do yours. I cannot recommend it enough.) She confirmed quite a bit for me in said reading. Some highlights to share with the class: I am *obnoxiously* a Virgo (ty sun + rising + both in the first house!), I have deep work to do on healing my relationship to all things maternal (ouch!), I only recently closed out an 18 year cycle of relationship turmoil (real!). I said to Lacey (through tears, ngl) at the end of the call that it’s deeply crazy how much you cannot outrun the stars. I stand by that statement.
One of the things Lacey confirmed/basically explained to me in this chart reading was just how much Cancer I have in there, and how much that impacts the ways in which people are drawn to me. This is not a brag, btw. It’s more deeply, deeply ironic. The hardest, most trying interactions I’ve ever had astrologically have been with July Cancers, I am in intellectualizer in recovery so water signs often stress me the fuck out, the aforementioned deep wound of my life is to heal my maternal relationships and Cancer is a very mommy sign. It’s ironic! I get it!
However, the thing that Lacey really explained that was an explicit 💡 moment was when she extrapolated on how all of the Cancer in my chart explains that people just instinctually feel comfortable around me. Again! I hear myself! I promise I am not flexing and will get to the point…at some point! I am also not a concise person—see: Libra Mercury.
For years I’ve said it feels like there is a neon sign above my head that says: “Tell me all of your secrets!!” Strangers, baristas, dates, partners, friends, waitresses, my Uber drivers, co-workers, dog walkers, clients, LMNOP. All of the above and more have told me things that I, personally, would have to be waterboarded in order to divulge. At times it’s amazing. What an honor to be seen as a safe person. What a treasure to be a person who can be so profoundly trusted and even missed. What a point of pride to have a listening ear and the ability to form even a semblance of advice someone might consider worth taking.
On the other side of the coin though, is the exhaustion of it all. Having people borderline constantly feel comfortable enough to put all of their emotions out charcuterie board style is…um, a lot. What do you do with a photo of a stranger’s late father’s wake? What do you say to the party guest telling you all about their spouse’s affair? Where do you put the weight of everybody’s pain when you weren’t asked if you could hold it in the first place?
I was talking to another dear friend (buy her book!!!!!) about this this week and we settled on calling the phenomenon the “There For You Friend.” And how even though it’s harsh, being “there for you” is not an infinite resource. It runs out, it becomes impossible to juggle, the scales tip too far away from equal balance. It becomes, quite simply put as I said before, exhausting.
Listen. I am the President of the “Just My Two Cents” club—see: Virgo sun Virgo rising. I have never met an opinion I could not form, advice I would not want to give, or gossip I would turn down hearing. But sometimes, it all just gets to be too much. It starts to feel anxiety inducing, it starts to feel like a weight rather than exciting. It becomes something you have to put down.
If one of the main hurdles I must learn to leap over in life is all things Mommy Issues™ the second on the list is learning how to set a boundary without building a goddamn wall. I’ve long said I can be a very black and white person. I don’t really exist in the grey. I am either accepting all of the trauma dumping with open arms or I am shutting down harder than a crashing Tesla. I am either a sit-in therapist or I am ghosting. Either fully sat for the tea or hoping you put it in the sink instead.
I do not think the all or nothing here is healthy. Being there for people is a wonderful, beautiful, admirable skill to have. I think what I’m waxing far too poetic here about is it’s just about learning to balance it all—see: Libra Mars.
I cannot outrun the stars. I think girls on Tinder or the bartender at my favorite dive bar or the friend of the friend’s boyfriend will likely always tell me Just A Little Bit Too Much™ about themselves. And I do like that! I like that even I didn’t sign up for the neon sign it’s there, blinking away, letting people know that there’s someone who they can open up to.
It’s just about learning when to pull the chain and turn it off so I can be there for me in the same level of capacity.Conversely, being “there for you” can look like:
Giving space. Mutual phone time. Sitting on someone’s feet because you know they’re cold. DoorDashing. Giving dog advice. Making friendship bracelets even though you cannot stand Taylor Swift. “Hey, can you handle this right now?” Back scratches. Doing the dishes. Folding the T-Shirts. Making sure the fridge is cleared out. Saving the next episode until you can watch together. “What do you want for dinner?” Letting things go. Letting things happen. Letting things be. Sending memes and TikToks and recipes—oh my. Always having salsa on hand. Or ranch. Or peanut butter. Or whatever they love to put a pretzel in. “You okay?” Wanting to learn who they are. Wanting to learn what they need. Wanting to learn to be there for them, too.
Since I’ve been shouting out my friends, if you like this style of writing you’ll love Molly. That’s all.Some small summer snack suggestions:
Happy May Day! Let’s put him in the bear!!!!
But really, summer is definitively around the corner and I would be remiss if I did not, as a fOoDiE, offer up some suggestions for some snacks to bring around for grilling season. I’ve long said a lot of things (literally, command F “i’ve long said” on any of these substacks, i know who i am) but one thing I’ve said for the longest time is my ideal restaurant would be Just Sides™. Sides are, inarguably, the best part of every meal. Imagine Thanksgiving without a potato, an orange vegetable, or the slip of a cranberry sauce. Imagine a hot dog party without the crunch of a chip. Imagine ham without a roll or even some mustard. Oh right; you can’t!
So because I am both a lover of sides and a giver, here are some sides you can bring to your next soirée that will have people pulling you aside (no pun intended) asking you for the recipe.
Molly Baz’s CaeSal Potato Salad
Alison Roman’s “The Dip” (suggested dipping vessels are veggie chips, actual vegetables, and bagel crisps)
Din Thai Fung’s Cucumber Salad
Grinder Pasta Salad
Thomas Keller’s Zucchini (can be grilled! basil and pesto are honestly optional)A Really Good Shrimp Cocktail with Spicy Cocktail Sauce (the spicy is not optional, i rec adding chin su to it)
Alison Roman’s Tomato with Fennel Seed & Anchovy (yeah yeah i’m a millennial white girl in a hoop earring no shit i love her)
Broccoli Salad
And when in doubt if you don’t feel up for cooking, bring ice. Also booze but mostly just ice.This TikTok is why the internet exists that’s all.
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Enable 3rd party cookies or use another browserThis is just a good quote from a book I am reading.
Sometimes my Five Things are super long. Trust me, I see the “14 minute” read clocks in Substack and go “goddamn” when I do. But other times I don’t have a lot I want to divulge—shocking, I know! A lot happened in April that is, frankly, just for me. For now.
So rather than continuing on I will, in corporate speak, give you the time back, and just leave you with this quote. If you like it you might enjoy this book.
“Being forgotten, she thinks, is a bit like going mad. You begin to wonder what is real, if you are real. After all, how can a thing be real if it cannot be remembered?”