Oh my! A new little intro! But you can still learn about this project by clicking here.
Roughly ten years ago I publicly published my first ever piece of *content* online. It was your everyday sort of listicle—a smattering of 20-something things I’d learned by reaching the same numerical 20-something age. I was working in corporate fashion, I was just a handful of new months into living in a new city and freaking out, and something about all of those emotions plus officially hitting my quarter-stage of life made me need to put metaphorical pen to paper and put it online. Ten years later it is safe to say that one move changed the trajectory of my career if not existence—and made me oddly equipped to argue with people but I digress.
Be it my birthday passing, the nature of getting older, the days getting shorter, a chill appearing in the air, or just this thing called…well…life I feel inclined to do the same thing again. But rather than shelling out life advice (because truly my only advice right now is force yourself outside every day) I want to talk about shit I no longer have room for. Patience for. The time for, or what have you.
Without further ado, here’s my most recent five things which is comprised of five things people do/say/believe/implement into their lives that I no longer (to use some grating therapy speak) hold space for. Think of it like a combo of the past and present, all tied up as a very tepid hello and goodbye to eclipse season. Enjoy.
“Well, they didn’t do anything to me.”
Allow me to drop your hand like it is burning me while I say this: This is the laziest, most passive, pathetic, spineless of a take to have. And if you hear how someone intensely hurt someone you supposedly care about and opt to take it, I don’t even want you in the same grocery store aisle as me. Kindly shop for your fusilli and eggs at a different time, goodbye.
Okay but from a more level place: I understand more than anyone that Life is Complicated™. People are complicated. Conflict and disagreements and discourse and friction and personalities and everything in between are complicated. To assume that you will make it through this weird whatever journey without causing or assuming harm would be incredibly naive.
Which is to say, I don’t approach almost anything with a black and white lens. Fog is my favorite weather; heather is my favorite hue for a sweatshirt. I not only acknowledge the shades of grey that exist within existence but I often love them and welcome them with open, “let me hold your hand” type arms.
But there are instances in life where you need to make a choice. Where you are confronted with something horrific that someone (who you may love!!) has done and you have to decide whether or not you are okay with it. You have to decide whether the knowledge of this is something you are willing to, for lack of a better word, confront. I don’t think this always means your relationship with said individual necessarily has to be over, but to brush it under the rug simply because you’re only a bystander and not directly involved is, once again, just pathetic imo.
I don’t have any room for people who act like that with me anymore. Who opt to take the position of morally neutral when I opt to be vulnerable and actually give them a “What Happened”—to quote Hillary Clinton. If you are privy enough to hear about something that happened to me, that traumatized me, that hurt me at the hands of another person and you still feel comfortable enough to be Switzerland with them? Then firmly (not respectfully, not gently) I don’t need you in my circle whatsoever. Even, peripherally, tertiarily, orbitally. Just simply not at all.
I have really good gossip. I have really good stories. I have a lot of “uhhh what the fuck” things I can tell you. But if I can’t trust you to have a backbone after you hear about the key players why would I ever think you deserve them in the first place?
Just a little food for thought, I suppose. 🍽️Playing continual re-runs of the “it’s all about woe is me” show.
I think we all suffer from chronic cases of spotlight syndrome. How can we not! Be it internalized and relegated to the hamster wheel of our own heads or otherwise, I think being a little self-centered is honestly perfectly natural. And I think being able to recognize that is pretty healthy.
That!🕺Being!🕺Said!🕺
Similar to how we all had a friend in our early 20s who was the “hot mess friend” who we eventually had to call one last Uber for and then call it a forever night, I can feel myself running very thin for how much paitence I have for the controversial topic of the crisis friend.
I have a lot of empathy for finding yourself in crisis mode. I have had many moments in my life (see above) when I *was* the crisis friend. I know what it feels like to have life continuously swing and land a sucker punch square in the side of your temple. At one point at the beginning of this year after one of said blows had landed I looked at my best friend as he sighed and said something to the effect of, “I seriously don’t know how this always happens to you.”
Which is all to say, I don’t fault anyone for finding themselves as the main character in the crisis friend chapter. It happens. Shit happens, one could even opine.
What I *do* take issue with—albeit with more of a handhold and less of a get the fuck out of my grocery aisle—is when someone can only see within the confines of their own crisis. Where they exist within a consistent rerun of “anyways back to me!” episodes. Where they are only available when it’s about them. Where their crisis is all the can have the floor.
If I think back to the infamous “I don’t have capacity :( ” tweet I will admit, it’s pretty dystopian. I do think only having capacity for you yourself and your own is…not really indicative of a crisis friend who has earned their support system if I’m being a bit blunt. I think if your years (hopefully) of self-reflection continuously having you play the “one up” game when it comes to who is having a harder time and always finding yourself demanding grace from those around you, the therapy might not be therapy-ing so to speak!
But if I dive deep, I believe what this truly boils down to for me is knowing how to effectively communicate your needs/wants/boundaries/and what not. Because if you are in a season of life where there isn’t anything to give, that’s perfectly okay. Frustrating to be on the receiving end of, but understandable. But!!!! You a) need to recognize time and place and b) can’t present yourself as otherwise. And c) I do also think it requires a little bit of transparency on your part that you might be asking for more than you’re capable of doling out.
Lastly, that season of your life needs to have an end in sight. You’re not doing yourself or anyone in your circle any favors by planting yourself on a merry-go-round of the worst things that have ever happened to you. Who would want that for themselves? And who would want to keep having to watch someone spin on the same cycle with no solution over, and over, and over again?
All of this to say! I don’t think we should abandon the crisis friend, but I also don’t think they’re absolved from needing a little tough love now and again.Infantilization as a get out of jail free card.
The other day I came across a TikTok that was basically a regurgitation a trend from a couple of years ago. The idea is you say something cheeky pertaining to where you live and where you would take someone visiting who you hate. For the Seattle version of this trend in this TikTok, a girl decided to say, “The McDonalds on 3rd and Pike.”
I recognize that my annoyance with this particular “bit” when it comes to Seattle criticism is partially on me, but it really irritates me to no end when people say that. So I made a response video saying exactly that. I iterated that it annoys me, but also pointed out that people who typically feel this way about that section of Seattle are dodging around what they actually want to say. Which is that they’re uncomfortable being confronted with the city’s unhoused issue, being in the presence of addiction, and can’t handle seeing mental illness in real time. If that comes across as harsh, so be it.
What was perplexing about me pointing this out on TikTok wasn’t that people had an “omg this is so mean!!” reaction to it. It was that the people in the original video opted instead for a “you’re bullying kids” type of defense attempt.
In a series of now deleted comments, the girls from the band in the original TikTok tried to claim both the above defense, but also tried to lie that they were all “16-year-old girls” as part of their defense. Which was a lie, the girl who said the 3rd and Pike bit was 22, but even if they were 16…so what? Why is infantilizing yourself suddenly a way to say, “Let me do what I want and if you take issue with it, i’M jUsT a KiD :( omg.”
I think there’s validity for growing out of our bad takes, for knowing that we’ve all said stupid shit when we were within a different chapter of our lives. But I actually don’t find the inclination to go to, “I was/am young give me a break” to be that good of an excuse! Partially because if you want to enter adult convos and adult spaces then you have to reasonably expect people are going to treat you like an adult, but also because that’s simply not how learning and growth and evolved and critical thinking works.
I was talking to someone recently about how fear of being wrong holds us back in a lot of instances, and I think blaming something on your perceived naiveté is kind of just an extension of this same idea. Do we all fuck up and do dumb things and say stupid shit from time to time? Of course. Is it better to when faced with our own fuck ups/dumb things/stupid shit to face them head on and say, “You know what? Yeah, that wasn’t my best moment. I’m going to be/do/say XYZ differently next time.” Yes, I think so.
But maybe this is another example of me being overly annoyed and this is a me thing.People who can’t show gratitude.
There are a few non-negotiable manners I believe in in life.
First, is that if someone compliments your outfit or an accessory of yours or something along those lines you are obligated to tell them where you got it. The exception to this rule is if they are complimenting you because they’re hitting on you. Cat calling also obviously applies.
Second, you never show up to someone’s home empty handed. A bottle of wine, a candle, a baked good, a bushel of daisies—I don’t care! If someone invites you into their home you bring something to accompany your thank you.
Which brings me to my last point that I think *should* be a non-negotiable which is being grateful.
Listen. I am not really a person I would consider “happy.” My base level skews more towards morose. I’m contemplative, skeptical, and little bummed out. I’ve often said my stasis is a 5/10 and should I approach a 6 something insanely wonderful probably happened.
But in my never-ending quest to Be A Better Person™ I’ve found that despite always kind wandering around with a haze of gloom and doom over my head like a red-headed Eeyore, I can’t let that stop me from being grateful.
Gratitude isn’t just in the monumental things like recognizing it’s a blessing to have a friend who is always there to ideate with you, to commiserate with you, to be a soft place to land. Sometimes gratitude is merely always saying “thank you” to the barista who made your americano in the morning, or leaving your neighbor some cobbler because they hosted you the night prior for happy hour. Sometimes gratitude is taking a picture of the sun poking through the trees on your daily walk. Sometimes it’s washing the dishes after a party you didn’t throw. Oftentimes it’s just recognizing what is right in front of you; what a concept.
There are a lot of things that give me, as they say, “the ick.” But nothing turns me off more than watching someone not know how to be grateful as they move throughout the world. I cannot handle watching people not even *attempt* to be a little grateful. Who don’t say thank you when being handed a dish at a restaurant, who show up (see: non-negotiable number two) to spend the night at a friend’s and don’t bring so much as a nice cheese with them, who ask for emotional energy in a way that’s more a demand than an ask in the first place.
I have quite a few things about myself that I could stand to improve. I’m easily irritated, I don’t dust enough, there’s a scab in my ear I can’t leave alone. I can be very icy in terms of my thinking. I don’t forgive as often as I probably should. I hoard screenshots and text messages and can be dismissive. Also I’m currently kind of holding a grudge against my favorite bookstore for something really stupid. All to say, I’m far from perfect.
But I know tonight I’m going to have a robust red pepper and tomato soup served in a dish shaped like a tomato and I really love that. I regularly buy people flowers. I’ve never checked out of a hotel without leaving cash and a little “ty!!” scrawled on some stationary on the bed. I know when I go down I’ll go down thanking the nurses at my bedside and I’ll be happy that there’s somewhat of a view.
Just be grateful. It might not make you a happy person but it’ll make everything slightly less terrible. And that’s not nothing.Being served over-hard eggs.
A few months ago I was served a shakshuka at brunch and the eggs in it were over hard and I’m still thinking about it. It was offensive. 65% of the point of shakshuka is the gooey, runny yolk of the egg. Being denied that yolk pop and mixing the naan and the peppers and the tomatoes together to create the perfect bite? Let me say it again: offensive. Horribly offensive.
While I don’t believe in sending things back at a restaurant unless there’s some sort of immediate health danger involved, I truly have no room in my life for an over hard egg, for a set yolk. And I think knowing that about myself is really healthy.
Jammy eggs forever and always amen.